Christmas time is upon us once more! How the hell did that happen? January, heatwave, Halloween and then it’s suddenly Christmas. Mind blown.
The festive period is obviously a wonderful time for most of us; whether you celebrate it in a religious manner or otherwise. It’s a time for coming together, eating good food and generally relaxing after another year. But it’s a strange time for little old me. Whilst I adore Christmas, I got ill on Christmas Day 2010. Okay so looking back there were warning signs beforehand but I noticed something was VERY wrong on the 25th December 2010. My depression diagnosis came in the autumn and I’d been on antidepressants since then. However I was extremely positive and hopeful regarding Christmas and New Year. Here’s a brief synopsis of how it went down.
I had a wonderful day, just me and my mum at home. As the evening came around, I suddenly became exhausted. I had to retreat to the sofa for a lie down. I felt so heavy and drained. And from then, it only got worse. It’s something I’ve detailed in past posts so I won’t bother rehashing it all again. That’ll merely depress us all.
It’s a weird one. On the one hand, my conscious mind is focused on how lovely Christmas will be etc, but subconsciously, I’m dwelling on how it’s one more year of being unwell; and being thrown back to the day it all began. And admittedly, since being ill, I’ve cried every Christmas or New Year’s, apart from last year. So that’s 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 AND 2016. The mood just hits me out of the blue, even if I’ve been totally fine during the leadup. It’s almost as if my brain suddenly twigs that’s it’s yet another year of being ill and goes into teary mode.
But as we approach this Christmas, I’m feeling more confident that the tears won’t make an appearance. I’ve had a fantastic year. My health has continued to improve. I’ve battled (and won) a number of anxieties. I’ve done new things + met loads of new people. If we add that all together, it should be a very different December.
Be kind to yourselves, folks.